Gives You Hell
by EmiR
Summary: Hawke gets drunk. He decides to sing a song about something that's been bothering him for a while. Isabela encourages him, Anders is laughing too much to think straight, and Merrill is very confused. Fenris, however, is not impressed. Crack!fic. one-shot.


What… have I done? This is my first fic for Dragon Age, and it's pretty much complete crack. It's very out of character for me, so I need practice. I've personalized the lyrics to fit. The song is 'Gives You Hell' by The All American Rejects and if you haven't heard it you should be ashamed of yourself.

Summary:

Hawke gets drunk-_ really_ drunk. He decides to sing a song about something that's been plaguing his mind for a while. Isabela encourages him, Anders is laughing too much to think straight, and Merrill is very confused. Fenris, however, is _not_ impressed.

Why was he here again? Fenris sat slumped in the corner of the Hanged Man, just enjoying drinking something more potent than wine, when _he_ came in. It wasn't surprising; two of his closest friends lived in the pit, but it was unpleasant. He was obviously drunk before he even came through the door, leaning on Isabela while they both swayed and laughed at something that probably wasn't even the slightest bit funny. He stared at them for a while, feeling something new to him… jealousy, was it? He should be the one trying to keep Hawke from killing people while he was absolutely smashed- _not_ Isabela! Fenris was an idiot to leave him.

He watched intently as Hawke was sat down on a barstool and was given a glass of water by Corff, which he promptly tipped onto the floor. His babysitter giggled, threw the bartender a coin and proceeded to buy Hawke more alcohol. A foolish decision, Fenris thought, but he hadn't had enough to drink to go and speak his mind.

Then, as if to make everything worse, the two most insufferable mages he had ever met walked in, apparently half-heartedly arguing over something. Probably Merrill's use of blood magic, or Anders' plight of mages. But the thing that ruined his day completely was when the pony-tailed abomination caught his eye and pointed out his presence to Hawke. A mischievous grin and quite a lot of stumbling later, the dark haired warrior was on top of table. Idiocy. Utter foolishness. Fenris stood up to leave when he heard something he could have sworn was impossible.

Hawke was _singing._

_I wake up every evening  
>With a big smile on my face<br>And it never feels out of place.  
><em>

Where was this going? Fenris had a feeling it wasn't anywhere good.

_And you're still probably squatting  
>Up in your Hightown estate<br>I wonder how bad that tastes_

Maker, Fenris thought, what is he doing? A quick glance around the pub showed that all eyes were on him or Hawke. Fenris made for the door, to be stopped by a number of patrons surrounding him. His former lover was clapping his hands above his head and beckoning for the entire bar to join in. They did.

_When you see my face  
>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<br>When you walk my way  
>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<br>_

It isn't you face that's giving me hell right now, the sardonic little voice called from somewhere in his head, it's your singing! The blonde may have called it out, if he didn't feel like he would stutter, or do something equally embarrassing.

_Now where's your lyrium fist, love?  
>And where's that shiny sword?<br>Did it ever get you far?_

Hawke had… personalized the song. Just for Fenris. He felt like a rabbit cowering from a predator, unable to run or fight back. He had never been so humiliated, in all his years with Hadriana. If he didn't get out soon he would hit someone. Or tear out their heart_._

_You always seem so tense love!  
>Never seen you fall so hard<br>Do you know where you are?  
><em>  
>Of course I know where I am, I'm stuck in a piss pot of a bar being publicly humiliated. How could I forget? asked that little voice again.<p>

_And truth be told I miss you_

Fenris' jaw dropped, and guilt pooled in his stomach.

_And truth be told I'm lying_

Fenris' fist curled, and anger burned in his eyes.  
><em><br>When you see my face  
>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<br>When you walk my way  
>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<br>If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well  
>Then he's a fool, you're just as well<br>Hope it gives you hell!_

Isabela couldn't believe her eyes or ears. This was the most hilarious thing she had ever seen, by miles! She was laughing so hard she was forced to use the bar for support, until Merrill saw her falling over herself and helped hold her up. She called up encouragements to Hawke every few seconds just for fun. This was priceless!

"I don't get it." Merrill whispered, "Doesn't Hawke still love him?"

Isabela laughed even more, before finally forcing herself to reply. "Kitten, he loves him alright, but he needs to get back at Fenris for leaving him. I guarantee this will lead to some drunk make up sex!"

Blushing, Merrill giggled and went quiet, watching her friend launch into a new verse.

_Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself_  
><em>Where did it all go wrong?<em>  
><em>But the list goes on and on<em>

Tommorow, Fenris imagined, I'll be thinking about the best, most painful ways to kill you.

_Truth be told I miss you_

Maybe not.

_Truth be told I'm lying_

Yes. Definitely. Maybe with your own maul.

_When you see my face_  
><em>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<em>  
><em>When you walk my way<em>  
><em>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<em>  
><em>If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well<em>  
><em>Then he's a fool, you're just as well<em>  
><em>Hope it gives you hell!<em>

Anders couldn't even see straight. Varric had appeared at the top of the stairs, woken up by all the drunken chanting, and the mage practically charged over to him to explain. They were both sitting on the steps, trying to stop themselves from rolling down and making sure that they got in a few breaths. They didn't even have to speak to know that they were both witnessing the funniest thing they would ever see. Anders wished Ser Pounce-A-Lot were with them.

_Now you'll never see_  
><em>What you've done to me<em>  
><em>You can search for your memories<em>  
><em>They're no good to me<em>

The elf was wondering whether to kill something or... kill something slower. How could Hawke bring that up? In front of a whole bar of drunken idiots, no less? In a SONG, no less?

_And here's all your lies_  
><em>You can look me in the eyes<em>  
><em>With the broody look<em>  
><em>That you wear so well<em>

Varric saw Fenris flex his knuckles at the mention of his signature emotion. The elf grabbed a tankard of ale and downed it, slipping back onto a chair. He certainly _looked_ broody enough. Hawke called for everyone to join in on the last chorus and the entire pub did so willingly, as best they could between laughing hysterically at the Amell heir.

_When you see my face  
>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<br>When you walk my way  
>I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell<br>If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well  
>Then he's a fool you're just as well, hope it gives you hell<em>

_When you hear this song and you sing along, well you'll never tell  
>And you're the fool, I'm just as well<br>I hope it gives you hell_

The problem was, it really did put Fenris through hell. He stormed out as Hawke fell off the table, passing out. One quick glance back showed Varric, Isabela, Anders and Merrill, _all_ struggling to hold up the warriors huge frame.

* * *

><p>Hawke's head was pounding unpleasantly. He had heaved repeatedly and Anders had to run around getting him buckets and water and new books to read. It was easily the worst hangover he had ever had. Isabela, Varric and Merrill had all come to see how he was, and they looked at his caretaker with a mirth in their eyes that tipped him off that they had some sort of joke running.<p>

He had a sinking feeling in his stomach that he had done something _very _stupid. If he found out he'd slept with Isabela, by the Maker he was going to go out and kill something. Preferably a Qunari or Blood Mage. Or Fenris. In fact, he decided to go kill something now. Screw the hangover, he need to get his maul and smash something really hard.

"Anders," He called, staggering out of his bed, "I'm fine now. I'm going to kill something."

"Right, I'm no longer needed then. Just… Don't go near Fenris. Ever again." And Anders walked out the door.

"Maker, what have I done!"


End file.
